Modern Arranged Marriages vs Love Marriages
In the age of online dating and love affairs, going for an arranged marriage might sound a bit old school to many.
Exposure to dating apps and an increase in international travel has exposed young Indians to alternatives for arranged marriages that seems more aligned to the current context.
They see love marriages and dating as fashionable. Also, greater financial freedom and independent lifestyle are giving young Indians an opportunity to go on dates or pursue relationships before marriage.
Interestingly, the concept of modern approach to arranged marriage still holds great importance when it comes to survival of a long term relationship in our society.
Many people opt for an arranged marriage out of choice and going by the statistics of a few studies, the global divorce rate of an arranged marriage is quite low. So, what makes this traditional system a better survival?
Let’s find the context with reference to Indian Ecosystem.
The Expectation
In an arranged marriage, you enter into a relationship with the mindset to make it work.
You barely know your partner and take your own time to understand your spouse better. You enter the relationship with minimal expectations, and both the partners observe things and make adjustments to make the marriage work.
In fact, you accept the person the way he or she is, and do not get to complain that you dated a different person before tying the knot and he or she changed after marriage.
Logical Decisions vs Impulsive Reactions
In our marriage system, it’s not just about the two people getting married. It’s about the inclusion of the complete family with their set of value system and cultural beliefs.
The main purpose of arranged marriages is to strengthen the clan and continue the family line. Other purposes may include greater financial stability, better lifestyle, better social status, and companionship.
Maybe modern Indians who are exposed to diverse cultures through travel and media may wonder why marriages should be based on anything other than love?
The answer lies in the fact that love marriage has the added risk of people not thinking straight and let their hormones dictate terms. Once the magic of love fades away and the reality of married life hits you, you will probably realise that you made a bad choice adjusting to the family you never thought would not be as same rational thinker as your family was.
You will experience adjustment issues, you will have to manage the expectataions of the family which leaves less room for your love understanding to manage the burden of different mindset and slowly your expectation would be way to much from your spouse and you both will end up in a total burnout.
Greater Involvement of Family in Conflict Resolution
In arranged marriages, two families come together and whether you like it or not, everybody has a stake in the success of your marriage. When things get challenging with your married life, you have the option of seeking advice or having a shoulder to cry.
Easier to Bring up Children with Support
Day to day life for a working couple with children is challenging. Even NRI couples that live alone in foreign countries have their parents travel all the way to take care of their newborn child. Seeking help in taking care of your children from your parents becomes a no-brainer if you are in an arranged marriage.
Rediscover your Culture
Once you are into marriage then as girl you will always look out for the cultural similarities you have been brought up in. If you are through an arranged marriage, you will have a way to rediscover your roots and culture than to let it go. You would enjoy the elaborate rituals that proceed arranged marriages, the rituals during the marriage and post-marriage ceremonies that bring to the fore culture and practices that have been in practice for generations.
Better Lifestyle Compatibility
Many of the lifestyle choices are dictated by culture and family values. For example – food habits, dress habits etc. Having a spouse that has a similar lifestyle or understands why you are doing whatever you may be doing creates a harmonious marriage.
Love Comes after Marriage
Marriage is more of the compatibility between spouses and the family that nurtures strong foundations of the successful life ahead.
Our matriarchs had an interesting advantage over today’s western women. Matriarchs didn’t begin their marriage with love. Instead, they were taught how to adjust in the family with an earnest determination to make things work and eventually that compassion to build a strong foundation leads to a more sustained love than the love experienced based on hormones.
The idea is we must not leave our lives to chance. We plan our education, our careers and our finances but we’re still uncomfortable with the idea that we should plan our marriage and just not live on Bollywood love dreams. I do not advocate that we should not love or that we should just get into arranged marriages but I think a lot can be learned from the wisdom of things that make marriages a success in the long run!
Parental Advice in Modern Arranged Marriages
Parents should be more open when planning the marriage of their child. They should understand their children’s requirements for a spouse. Both parents and children should discuss in length the expectation out of marriage. Based on that they should create a wireframe for their plan of action.
Society is evolving and so is the concept of an arranged marriage. So it’s ok to give couples in question a good amount of time to meet multiple times before making a decision without forcing them into anything.
Not just this, parents should be open to the idea of a long courtship period so that the bride and groom can get to understand each other better. It’s better to understand and then move ahead than to compulsively get married and then decide to quit later.
Moreover parents of a girl should be supportive if after multiple meetings or even after engagement she feels she doesn’t want to go ahead with the decision then she should be given the right to decide and that should be accepted.
As parents you surely have more experience of what awaits after marriage and understand what’s best for your child. But don’t give into compulsions or societal pressures to force your children.
It’s a long term commitment and you understand their needs and also the complexities of the personality of your child, so be supportive in making this decision as an accomplishment of a win win situation for both of you.
Finally You Need to take a Leap of Faith
At the end of the day, whether it is love or arranged marriage, you have to take a leap of faith and hope for a happy married life. Marriage is a gamble and there is no sure-shot way to predict its success. What matters is that no one should be forced to take this decision and should tie the knot only when he or she is ready.
Bollywood celebs who opted for an arranged marriage
Arranged marriages were commonplace in the years gone by, but that has changed over the centuries and the same finds reflection in Bollywood too. The film industry has been known for shunning old traditions and blazing its own trail. But even some of our favourite B-town celebs are not far away from going down the age-old route of getting hitched to someone who’s not exactly our love at first sight.
Find out story of Shahid Kapoor on arranged marriage with wife Mira Rajput
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